Friday, March 18, 2011

Bitch Slap Hero

For those of you interested in the continuation of yesterday’s lunch saga: I would like you to know that the person that offered up $5.00 and said he’d pay the rest later has never given me a dime for his lunch. Nothing. So the measly salad I had yesterday personally cost me $22.00.

Meanwhile, I’m attempting to still collect from a couple of my coworkers for their Girl Scout Cookie purchases. I’m trying to hold out hope that at least one will give up the money. He’s a good guy and I’ve never really reminded him until today, so perhaps he forgot. The other guy that owes is playing hard to get, I think. I think he wants to see if I will shake him down. I threaten to kick the shit out of him on a regular basis anyway (or at least mess up his hair), so maybe that’s what he’s waiting for. What pisses me off the most is that I had $91.00 to collect from my high-falutin’ coworkers. Tiny Mike had $220 to collect from his coworkers, who are largely blue collar. Tiny Mike collected everything in about one hour. I’ve had two weeks and I’m still not there. WTF?

I also just got an email about participating in Cookie Booth to sell more cookies. OK, let me think about this... no. Not happening. No way. I already went out and sold 180 boxes, I helped with the pick up and sorting of cookies, I'm not doing any more. Frankly, I fucking resent being asked to do any more. Enough already. I am going to hand you people a check for $630.00 next week, my work here is done. 

Earlier this week, I put up a silly post on Facebook about being cc’d on a bitch slap delivered via email. Snorting Girl piped up and said that we should come up with a parody to the tune of Jukebox Hero. What’s most interesting is that Jukebox Hero is one of Spice’s all time favorite songs. She rocks out like nobody’s business any time it comes on the radio.  The next morning I sent the real lyrics to both her and Tiny Mike and asked them if they wanted to come up with their own versions of Bitch Slap Hero. Both parodies are impressively creative, and both were done in less than an hour.

I copied these lyrics to Juke Box Hero by Foreigner at

Standing in the rain, with his head hung low
Couldn't get a ticket, it was a sold out show
Heard the roar of the crowd, he could picture the scene
Put his ear to the wall, then like a distant scream
He heard one guitar, just blew him away
He saw stars in his eyes, and the very next day

Bought a beat up six string, in a secondhand store
Didn't know how to play it, but he knew for sure
That one guitar, felt good in his hands, didn't take long, to understand
Just one guitar, slung way down low
Was a one way ticket, only one way to go
So he started rockin', ain't never gonna stop
Gotta keep on rockin', someday gonna make it to the top

And be a juke box hero, got stars in his eyes, he's a juke box hero
He took one guitar, juke box hero, stars in his eyes
Juke box hero, (stars in his eyes) He'll come alive tonight

In a town without a name, in a heavy downpour
Thought he passed his own shadow, by the backstage door
Like a trip through the past, to that day in the rain
And that one guitar, made his whole life change
Now he needs to keep on rockin', he just can't stop
Gotta keep on rockin', that boy has got to stay on top

And be a juke box hero, got stars in his eyes
He's a juke box hero, got stars in his eyes
Yeah, juke box hero, stars in his eyes
With that one guitar, (stars in his eyes)
He'll come alive, come alive tonight...Woah

Yeah, he's gotta keep on rockin', just can't stop
Gotta keep on rockin', that boy has got to stay on top

And be a juke box hero, got stars in his eyes
He's a juke box hero, got stars in his eyes
(Just one guitar) juke box hero, (aah aah aaah) got stars in his eyes
He's just a juke box hero, aah aah aaah
Juke box (stars) hero, (stars, stars) juke box hero, (stars, stars)
He's got stars in his eyes, stars in his eyes

Here is Snorting Girl’s version:

Standing at my desk, with my head about to explode
Couldn't get respect, because I work with a$$holes
Heard the voice come through loud and clear
I listened for a moment and knew what would come next
It would definitely be a descriptive email, not a lame text
My eyes bulged out and I got antsy in my seat I saw the words as clear as day

So I started to type and the insults poured out
I thought I might publish some of my awesome quotes
The last line of was clear and I knew they would understand
I was just a few words away from making their head hang low
My co-worker stood beside me cheering “way to go”
I couldn’t stop now, ain’t never gonna stop
Gotta keep typin’ cuz my co-worker said “you rock”

She said that I’m a bitch slap hero and wants to be like me
She took my keyboard and held it close, I’m a bitch slap hero
A bitch slap hero (with hate in my eyes) I’ll virtual slap you back to zero…
And here is Tiny Mike’s version:

Sittin at my desk, with my volume down low
My boss snuck up, hes such an a$$hole.
He heard the typing on my board, and he wanted to see
What it was about, it was about he
He claimed none of it was true, but I disagree.
I said walk away, before I break your knee

My boss stormed away, and then slammed his door.
Hes not so nice, actually mean to the core.
He picked up his phone, and then called me in
I was a little nervous, but kept a high chin
He told me smarten up, my productions too low
I told him shuddup, I go with the flow.

His head started shaking, I didn’t think it would stop
His head started shaking, I reached right over and gave it 2 quick pops.
Im a bitch slap hero, he has two black eyes
Im a bitch slap hero, everyone was surprised

Hilarious, right? If you aren’t laughing perhaps you need to look three lines up, “…gave it two quick pops…” That line has been going through my head for days and I laugh every time… though it doesn’t make playing “Collections Agent” any easier.

If you are feeling creative and want to write your own version, send it to me and I’ll post it! 

Ice Princess

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