Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Husband is Another Term for Rocket Scientist

I wanted to blog about our weekend visit with EN Senior and Stepmommy, but recent conversations with several different girlfriends has given me inspiration to blog instead about the idiocy we encounter within the marital homestead. So girlfriends, sit back and enjoy and know that everything that is said in this post will be done without naming names. You alone will recognize your personal contribution.

I think the heat is getting to us all. We are less patient with our menfolk and itching to deliver a well-deserved dummy slap to our husbands’ foreheads. At least three friends have called, emailed or texted within the last week to bitch about what dipshits they are married to. I read and respond delightedly, knowing that I am not alone in this. I’ve gathered information from multiple reliable sources and these are the issues driving us crazy:

Money: Typically, there is one partner in the relationship that seems to be a little smarter with the check book. This means that one person looks like the controlling bitch, while the other spends money like he owns an entire orchard of money trees. Cars, motorcycles, recreational vehicles, livestock, tools… in any of those categories, having ONE is never enough. Husbands are firm believers in the saying, “He who dies with the most toys wins.”

This leads right into boys buying shit because they’re going to “fix it up and make money.” I’ll wait a moment while you stop laughing… This statement is totally and completely false and anyone with boobs (man boobs don’t count) knows it. The piece of crap that you want to buy is going to join the rest of the junk you’ve already purchased. Give a little time, rust and spiderwebs and the project is so much bigger than they thought it would be. Which means nothing will be done. The girlfriends now have basements full of broken stuff and garages they can’t park in. Our cars will be pelted with hail and covered in snow, but damn it, that pile of shit goes undisturbed in the garage.

Inability to Perform: I’m not talking about sex. I’m talking about the level of incompetency displayed by men when it comes time to clean a house, prepare for a party, or God forbid, run to the grocery store to pick up a few items. Here are a few of my favorite stories:

-The husband that says, “Perhaps you’ve gained a little weight” when the wife asks if he washed the laundry in hot water.

-The husband that is sent to the grocery store for four items and texts his wife at least four times and still comes home with the wrong stuff. This is further compounded when the husband that comes home and says, “This item doesn’t even exist.” He is then so belligerent about being right, he will go back to the store with a diagram of where to find said object so he can take a picture to prove it’s not there. No words are spoken when the husband returns home with the non-existent item in his little paws.

-Several friends have shared variations of this story, so I gather this behavior is universal and doesn’t change even after you’ve been married or lived together for a long time. This behavior will occur during the preparations before a big party. Your partner will be so eager to help that he will follow you around so closely that if you stop suddenly he will crash into you. He will incessantly chirp, “I want to help. What can I do to help?” Seriously? This is the 15th fucking Christmas party we’ve had together and you still don’t know what to do?

-Alternatively, there is the husband who watches his wife run around, preparing for an annual party while he “stays out of her way.” She’s seething with anger and ready to catheterize him with a garden hose when he sweetly says, “Looks like everything’s coming together great. Need any help?” Yes, thank you Ass Monkey, go open the door for our guests.

Using Their Words: I hate hearing a mother say that to a child, but I can totally see a wife saying to her husband, “Don’t use your words. Ever.” If you, as a man, feel like giving your wife well-intended advice and you need to start off with a modifier like, “Not to sound like a dick, but…” or “No offense but…” it’s probably in your best interests to keep your stupid mouth closed. As soon as we hear those phrases, we go into planning mode. We are giving careful thought as to where and when your funeral will be and what fabulous outfit we intend on wearing.

And then there are the stupid questions like, “Do you want a divorce?” Who is dumb enough to ask that? Even better, is the offended look they get when you don’t answer, “NO” fast enough (because you spent a moment daydreaming of said divorce and post-divorce cougarish activities). Just for asking that dumb question, they deserve to be told YES! Please, just stop talking and sit there and look pretty. That’s one of the two reasons we married you.

I thank my girlfriends for thrilling me with their recent experiences. We all know that NONE of this ever happens at my house. Life is all cupcakes and magic wands at the Ice Castle. Surely you are mistaken if EN wanders by and you think you see that magic wand firmly planted "where the sun don't shine."

Ice Princess

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