I don’t mind saying that I’m insanely jealous when I leave every day and the husband, girls and dogs are all still snoozing away. When I walk out the door, I’ve already been up for an hour, getting ready for work. One doggy eyeball might pop open to watch me leave, but generally everyone is still sleeping. A quiet morning is what I like, even though I’m really pissed to be leaving the house full of sleeping people.
The girls have spent the bulk of their summer in the pool. I fully expect that they’ll turn into the mermaids they pretend to be any day now. Their fingers and toes are permanently pruned and they are blissful. They get along spectacularly in the pool and encourage each other to learn all sorts of new tricks. Sugar jumps off her boogie board and tries to do flips. Spice does some weird thing and ends up looking like a turtle stuck on her shell. They shout “Watch this!” over and over again until I’m ready to scream, but in reality, if all I have to do is glance up from the smut I’m reading, life’s pretty good!
I’m not a fan of the pool and almost never get in, maybe one annual chunky-dunk after I get liquored up, but that’s it. I really wanted a gorgeous, expensive in-ground pool but the number of zeroes in the estimates made me drop that idea quickly. The girls love their little above-ground soft-sided pool and so do their friends.
I remember how much fun summer was as a kid, no obligations, no schedule. Life was good and you played outside until you were forced to go in. I’m so jealous that I’m stuck at a desk every day while the girls play. Perhaps that’s what made me do what I did during dinner last night. I was looking at the girls and realized that Spice’s ear looked a bit like the inside of a seashell. She caught me looking at her and our conversation went something like this:
Spice: What are you looking at, Mama?
Me: I was looking at your ear to see if I could see the snail.
Me: Oh yeah, you have snails living in your ears. You didn’t know that?
At this point, Sugar’s eyes were wide with horror and intrigue. Spice said, “Mama is telling stories.” So we talked more about it and I said that the snails only poked their heads out at night and I figured they would have noticed that since they spend every summer night sleeping in the same room. Spice starts feeling around inside her ears…
Spice: Yeah, I can believe snails live in my ears.
Me: Oh yeah? Why?
Spice: Well, it feels like a little food dish right here (points to the inside of her ear). That’s probably why we keep potatoes in our ears, so the snails don’t go hungry.
Me: That’s right. Snails are HUGE fans of potatoes.
Later on as I was getting them ready for bed, Spice stopped what she was doing and said, “Shhh, Mama! I can hear the snails!” When my children start talking about the voices in their heads, I totally take the blame and we’ll say it’s snails and not schizophrenia due to bad parenting.
A big bunny delivers eggs and candy every Easter. A fat guy brings presents every Christmas and some crazy broad collects their old baby teeth. Now snails in their ears. What’s next?