The band-aid is to a five-year-old as a piece of Tiffany jewelry is to me: a beautiful fashion accessory. How lovely it is that manufacturers now make bandages with all kinds of fun designs. My sister even found some animal-print bandages which were a huge hit in my house. In fact, the girls loved them so much that my sister bought them some for Christmas and they were thrilled. There is no place on a child that is too small or bendy for a good bandage. There is no injury too small for one either, even a red pen mark will send them running for cover. After spending my retirement savings on bandages, I instituted a ‘wet blood’ rule: if there is no wet blood, there is no bandage. Thankfully, they aren’t yet smart enough to learn that if you add spit to red marker a mama might be confused.
Stickers run a close second to bandages. They come in a much wider variety of themes, colors and shapes AND, oh my God, you don’t need an excuse (wet blood) to add stickers to an outfit. If you are blessed with a wonderful grandmother who buys tons and tons of stickers, you have piles from which to choose. They can match your outfit, or not. And they can be put anywhere, even on the tops of your feet when you wear flip flops.
Sugar and Spice recently saw their Grandpa Jones and he gave them great t-shirts that he picked up for them at the Grand Canyon. These shirts were super-special because they also glow in the dark. Since these fancy shirts glow in the dark, it’s best to wear them at night first. Sugar started wearing hers immediately on Saturday night, then Sunday. I drew the line when she asked if she could wear the shirt to school on Monday. One must have standards. Spice finally wore hers last night and she marched around proudly. Not only does it glow in the dark, but there’s a STICKER on the shirt that tells you so. This is the mother lode of all good things to Spice. Sugar walked over and casually ripped the sticker off, telling her sister that the sticker from the store needed to be removed.
Attention people: here begins WWIII. Holy shit was Spice pissed. She raged and raged at her sister that the sticker belonged ON THE SHIRT. She DID NOT want the sticker taken off and it would never be the same again. She cried, hissed and maybe even foamed at the mouth a little. All the while clutching that poor scared puppy. Even when she’s having a tantrum, if it’s her turn for Puppy Time, she’s not letting go. Sugar no longer cares what the dumb five-year-old has to say, so she just gave her the “Whatever” face. Spice finally dropped Lola so she could press that sticker back onto her shirt.
As I was getting dressed this morning I heard some commotion in the bedroom. I opened the door and there stands a snarling Spice, crying again with a devastating tale of woe. It appears that while she was sleeping, the sticker fell off her shirt and now was a bit crumpled looking. EN was in bed looking like he just got hit by a truck, so I stepped in and told her not to worry. Tonight we will tape it to the inside of her bedroom door. Then she can see it every night, not just when she wears that shirt. I was feeling pretty brilliant with my quick thinking, when her head spun a 360 and she said, “I WANT YOU TO DO IT RIGHT NOW.” Seriously child, how can you not know that Mama is not to be messed with before coffee? At this point, EN decided it was a good time to gather his thoughts and help out. He conned Spice into getting dressed and I didn’t hear another word about the damn sticker.
I come into work today to find that the Engineering staff finally received their free jackets that they sent their sizes in for in December. I really didn’t need to deal with another fashion crisis today, but here we go. For those of you not in the know, I will tell you that there is nothing that a six-figure-earning-engineer likes more than FREE STUFF. It could be old crap they never even knew they needed, but it’s FREE so they will fight a Texas Death Cage Match to win. It’s truly ridiculous.
I sorted through the jackets and tagged them all with names, then started emailing people in small groups to come and pick them up. Well, the first batch has to prance through the hallways singing, “WE GOT FREE SHIT” and suddenly I’m bombarded. It didn’t take long before they started bitching. The jackets didn’t fit right. The zipper is on the wrong side, are they women’s jackets? Where’s mine, I didn’t get my free stuff. People, shut up and step away from my office. You all got what you ordered, if yours doesn’t right, call the girl that coordinated everything. I don’t give a crap!!
Next time they get free clothing I hope to have advance notice before distributing so I can bring Spice with me. I intend on having her put big fat L stickers on the back of every item. That L stands for LOSER for those of you not in the know.