Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Naughty Table

If you go to a wedding in the Midwest, you can sit wherever you want, there is no “assigned seating.” Here though, the bride sets up a seating chart and everyone grabs their little place card and finds out what table they are sitting at. What brides don’t tell you though is that there is always a Naughty Table. This is the table where the bride places all the people that she's afraid might misbehave. The bride assigns the next logical number so it’s not outwardly noted that there is a Naughty Table, but if you are at it or around it, you will be aware of who the Naughties are by the end of the night.

The Naughty Table, in my mind, is the table that will likely have the most fun. They will be loud and obnoxious and will likely drink more than their fair share. Therefore this table will be the one furthest from the head table and closest to the bar. At my wedding to EN this was table 10. When the wedding coordinator came in to tell us that the crowd was getting rambunctious and that we should wrap up with the picture taking, we figured it was that table. Little did we know that they had built a pyramid out of coffee cups and passed the table camera around so everyone could take crotch shots of themselves. Our Naughty Table was comprised of fun peeps that EN and I had collected over the years. Most didn’t know each other, but they got along famously an hour into the reception.

On Saturday, EN and I had the pleasure of being seated at the Naughty Table with my sister and her friends. We knew in advance who we would be seated with, but were pleasantly surprised to be seated so close to the bar. I guess the bride didn’t want us stumbling around all over the place.

We were a classy bunch and that became apparent from the moment we sat down. One guy picked up a plate and said, “Look, they gave us white chocolate flowers.” Um, that’s butter, you fool. Then they served salads and no one knew which fork to use. HAVE YOU PEOPLE NOT SEEN PRETTY WOMAN? Start on the outside, work your way in. The DESSERT fork is the one at the top of your plate. Sheesh. Now that I’ve spoken up about the non-chocolate and the forks, I saw confirmation on the faces of my sisters’ friends, “Yep, that Ice Princess is a snotty bitch.”

The wedding was very pretty. The bride looked beautiful and the groom was quite handsome. They seemed very happy and in love. Given that we had lots of rain on the days leading up to the wedding, I was happy that their day ended up being really beautiful.

I was disappointed that the groom didn’t Electric Slide all night. However, since I had bragged on Facebook that I would be showing off all my new zumba moves, he came over and danced it up in front of me. When I expressed my surprise he said, “You don’t think you were the only one that’s been to zumba?”

The best part of the evening was when the photographer came around to take pictures of all the tables, including Naughty #9. The bride and groom posed with us and the photographer told EN he needed to look happier (probably his tie was choking him). Creig leaned forward and smooched EN on the cheek and said, “I bet you ain’t ever been kissed by a Halfrican before!” The table erupted in laughter and the groom continued, “EN’s from up north. They don’t like black people up there.”

For the most part, the Naughty Table at this wedding behaved. We didn’t get too loud, we didn’t trip over each other on the dance floor, we didn’t spill excess amounts of anything. There was a small fire when my sister tossed her napkin into a candle (quickly contained. No one noticed). There was a skirmish when one girl returned to the table with a pile of chocolate covered fruit from the chocolate fountain. As she approached the table, her boyfriend stretched his arm back and got an elbow full of chocolate. He had a hissy fit and they left shortly thereafter. There may also have been some petty thievery grand larceny going on. At first I thought it was funny that some of my table mates grabbed a few items from the baskets in the bathrooms. I was less amused when I heard that they took so much they couldn’t close their pocketbooks. Even worse, one gal grabbed the centerpiece and left with that and two others snatched the bows off their chairs. I got the “Ice Princess is a snotty bitch” look again when I told them that it was likely the bride had to rent those bows.

It had been a very long time since we’ve gone to a wedding and it was nice to travel down that road when we’re really at a place now where most of our friends are getting divorced! Many of the traditions have stayed the same. It’s good to keep up on these trends as I will someday have two weddings to pay for. I tell you one thing; my sister will be seated alone at a card table with no tablecloth and plastic cutlery and paper plates. We’ll call it “Naughty Table for One.”

Ice Princess


  1. Naughty Table is a good euphemism. I always called it the Misfit Table and was placed there once! We lived up to the name - we went through all our wine and asked the other tables if they could spare some because we were p o'd that the bar was $10 a drink!

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