Skinny Bitch texted me yesterday that she was going to see “Rock of Ages.” Because I am supremely cool and hip, I had no idea that she was going to see a movie, I assumed she was going to see the musical. It’s obvious that I have my finger on the pulse of pop culture. I come from a long line of cool people that claim to know what is going on in the world today. I offer this recent situation with my mother as proof.
My mom abhorred computers, email, etc. She said she would DIE before she went online, people that do that are stupid, need to get a life, etc. Then my dad accepted a position in Qatar for six months. He bought her a little laptop and set her up with an email account. She’s now a freak about checking her email multiple times per day and has gotten back in touch with some old friends. Her view on email is similar to her views about Family Dinner: the only excuse for not responding to her is being dead. Fortunately, we don’t have to respond to the dozens of jokes and funny pictures but if she sends an actual email, we better fucking answer before she even hits send.
Last week she sent out a funny email that was very political in nature. Her friend’s daughter was going through her email (I’ll keep my thoughts about snooping through someone’s email to myself) and was highly offended by the silly picture my mother sent. So this girl hit “Reply All” and lambasted my mother’s email. She didn’t sign that email and sent it to about 20 people. It was obvious that the email didn’t come from my mother’s friend because she is German and English is her second language. The email also started off with “Really?” which is a common phrase with the 40-year-old set and not the 70 year olds.
I’m annoyed on so many levels, but what bothered me the most is that she sent it to everyone. She does not know everyone that she emailed and she was rude to my mother. Inexcusable. So I did what any good daughter would do. I hit “Reply All” and said something like “Please, please, please do not Reply All when responding to an email based on humor.”
All the German biddies were in an uproar and kvetched with my mother via email. So my mother sent the friend’s daughter a private email, to which the daughter responded with another rant and a quote from John Lennon. Not for nothing, but if I’m going to show my prowess with regard to political happenings in this world, I’m not going to quote a rock star.
My mother forwarded me the rant and I responded immediately and said, “She needs to STFU.” And my mother said, “What does that mean?” I told my mother that she could look it up herself on Urban Dictionary and she asked where she could buy one of those. Yup, the old girl was headed out to Barnes and Noble to look through an urban dictionary. My email response was short and sweet, “urbandictionary.com.”
Our online exchange got very quiet and I should have realized she was up to no good. Our next email exchanges went like this:
Mom: I looked at urbandictionary.com and now know what STFU means.
Mom: I’m not a prude or anything, but some of the stuff on that site is really perverted and disgusting.
Me: It’s not my fault that you are a nosey old German. You should have just stuck with STFU and left the site.
I wrapped up my day at work and came home to the nightly “dinner and a show” with Sugar and Spice. My mother called before her usual time, so I knew I was in for something good. She danced around on the call for a bit, talking about the girls, my day at work, my dad, etc. Then she started up again about the perverts who put shit up on urbandictionary.com. And the million dollar question: “Do you know what teabagging is?”
I again lectured her for looking around, and told her if she’s being nosey she can’t bitch about what she finds. I told her that she and my friend Fly Girl really do have lots in common as she was the last person I told to go look something up on the ol’ Urban Dictionary. My mother, ever nosey, “Hmm, what was that all about?” I told her that Fly Girl didn’t know what “vagazzle” meant. The German actress on the phone gasped with surprise and said, “She didn’t?” like she was totally in the know.
If my hearing was better, I’m sure I could have heard pen on paper so that she could look up vagazzle as soon as we hung up.
If I really wanted to punish myself, I could have asked if she started that damn 50 Shades of Grey yet.