I have been sick since the beginning of January. It started off as your everyday cold that was borderline on the ass-kicking scale. The cough and cold symptoms lingered forever, but seemed to get slightly better, so I stopped downing bottles of Nyquil and Sudafed. One bottle and one box should be enough to cure a cold anyway, right? And, I did get the flu shot this year, nothing big was supposed to bite me.
Perhaps it was the upheaval of the layoff two weeks ago, or maybe I just didn’t medicate sufficiently, but by last Thursday, I began to feel like I might have gotten hit by a truck. I emailed my boss before leaving, asking if I could work at home on Friday. He never responded.
When I woke up Friday morning, I found that I had definitely been hit by a bus and maybe a MACK truck too. I emailed that I would be out sick, got Sugar ready for school and went back to bed. I could barely get up to help EN get Spice out the door. I was crowned Mother of the Year for bringing the girls to McDonalds for dinner, where it took me 20 minutes to choke back a teensy hamburger. We stopped at Rite Aid and I loaded up on more medicine.
We came home and watched some Cupcake Wars and Hoarders and the girls were off to bed. I took way too much medicine, thinking everything would be good in the morning and I could head off for my hair appointment. Despite falling asleep around 9:30, I slept until 9:30 the next morning. I got up, called the hair girl to cancel and was back to bed.
Thankfully the weather was nice and the girls spent the day outside with their friends. EN worked on removing the tile from the kitchen floor with his air compressor. I never heard a thing… EXCEPT, around 2 in the afternoon, I awoke to a weird noise, like a licking sound… I was in bed alone-what the hell is that? I pried my eyes open to find myself face-to-crotch with the cat. She decided to snuggle up good and close and show me how nicely she could reach her nether regions. I may have attempted to scream and threaten her to go away. I disagree with all the jokes about dogs and cats just doing that to make humans jealous they can’t do that themselves. Bleck, no way, I don’t care WHAT it feels like. I pushed her off the bed and told her that maybe that’s why she throws up so damn much.
From Friday night until Sunday morning, I was up for probably a whopping four hours. In my life, I have never done that. I was alert enough on Sunday to realize that I stank. I smelled sick, my hair even felt sick. It took everything I had to shower and brush my hair and drive myself to Urgent Care. EN never heard me get up and jumped out of bed to insist on driving me himself. I thought better of having him and the girls in some waiting room for what could be forever on a sunny Sunday. I drove myself. And dry heaved all the way.
I was seen almost immediately AFTER being told that I had to wear a mask. As I was led to the treatment area, I found myself face to ass end of a hoochie mama blonde bitch RN. She was bent over, cleaning a bed, wearing white pants with a thong underneath. Lovely. Call me old fashioned, but I’d rather see a panty line than an ass crack through the sheer white pants.
As luck would have it, she was the one that got to come ask me the intake questions. She was borderline surly and also wore a face mask, mine obviously wasn’t good enough. Because of those barriers and the disease that had overtaken the Ice Princess, I could barely hear her. She asked me all sorts of questions including, “Do you wear hearing aids?” When I answered, “Yes, I have two that I don’t wear,” she seemed to have an issue hearing me back. She didn’t speak up then added insult to injury by asking me my weight. Any chance we had for a long-lasting friendship was lost.
Dr. Handsome came in and was very nice. He diagnosed me with an upper respiratory infection, sinus infection and belly virus. I hit the fucking trifecta. I left with two prescriptions and an inhaler with a spacer. They could have saved themselves time with the inhaler lesson if they just said, “It’s like smoking from a bong.” Then again, I wouldn’t even know what that means. Scratch that.
And so, I gave myself another sick day today and used up all my energy cooking dinner, showering and posting a funny picture on Facebook. Oh, and another episode of Cupcake Wars with the chicks. The girls refrained from fighting. We worked diligently on Sugar’s homework, and Spice drew picture after picture of “Mama in bed sik.” I would scan and add her delightful artwork to this blog, but she's writing a book. Copyright laws, you know.
A good friend of mine indulges in “No Shower Tuesdays.” If I plan on going to work tomorrow, I may just have to do that, I only have energy to do one thing.
bong inhaler comes with me to work tomorrow.