Sunday, October 14, 2012

Sleep Peeps

Last night I had my sleep study. I prepared in advance as directed by the doctor who ordered the test. I woke up early and didn’t nap during the day. I also attempted to stay busy throughout the day so I would be dead tired when it came time to sleep in front of an audience that I didn't have an established relationship with.

I was fortunate and my test was done in a section of a hotel the hospital leases. Apparently, people sleep better in a hotel than they do in a hospital. I didn't really know where the hotel was so I left really early and arrived early.

I checked in and was surprised to find a pretty nice hotel room with a kitchenette and sitting area. I was expecting to find that one wall was made of glass so those people could watch me sleep. Instead, there was a very small camera that would only be turned on once I was “hooked up.” I talked with several different people about why I was there and my sleep habits. They left and told me to relax. I kicked back and started a new book. Ah, peace and quiet… something that rarely occurs in a house filled with a husband, two daughters and three crazy dogs.

The sleep peeps came back and wired me up around 9 as I told them I go to bed around 11. I had wires hooked to my face, head, chest and legs. There were also two belts, one around my belly and one around my chest. They let me read a bit longer and told me to call them when I was ready to be hooked up to the machines so they could watch my brain waves (or lack thereof). I was so delighted by the way I looked that I snapped a picture with my phone and sent it to EN, along with a threat to his manhood if he dared post or send the picture.

I won’t lie, I was anxious to get into that bed. It was piled high with pillows and soft looking covers. I called them and they hooked me up. I turned on the TV and tuned into a fun episode of House Hunters. I refrained from yelling at the TV as I normally do during House Hunters. People and their unrealistic expectations piss me off. When the show was over, I turned off the TV and snuggled in for a good night’s sleep.

Despite the heavenly bed, it was the worst night of sleep in the history of the world. I woke up several times because shit came unplugged and the sleep peeps came in to hook me back up. Several times, I could feel myself trying to breathe but unable to. There were too many wires and too much tape under my nose. It was annoying. I also felt myself kicking a lot and had my feet dangling off the edge of the bed. I’m 5’4, there’s no reason for my midget feet to be dangling.

Before I knew it, it was 6 am and Captain Pleasant was in to wake me up. Cruel punishment, getting up at 6 am on a Sunday. Then again, it was my own fault for making them work on a Saturday night. Unhooking me from the wires was a painful experience. Somehow, the tape that “ doesn't stick to anyone,” loved me. That shit needed to be pried off. There were remnants of tape everywhere and gauze just stuck to my head. The tape removal above my lip was especially dreadful. If anyone out there ever thought I needed an upper lip wax, you can rest assured this ‘stache is hair free now.

The only thing the sleep peeps were allowed to tell me was whether or not I snored. Of course that was the first question I asked. BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW THE ANSWER IS, “NO.” The Ice Princess does NOT snore. Anyone stating otherwise deserves to be shot.

So I asked. And Captain Pleasant said, “Yes, you snored.” I said, “Well, I’m sure it was a delicate ladylike snore… right?” He chuckled and said, “Yeah right.” Thank God the study was over because had this been a real relationship, I would have dumped his ass at this point.

He left the room and I got ready to take a shower. I turned around to look at the bed that I slept in and was stunned. It looked like a jackball ass monkey had slept there. Pillows were EVERYWHERE and the covers were askew. I should say here that I have specific rules about covers: they stay neat and the top sheet stays tucked in. I've been known to wake up in the wee hours to retuck if necessary. I could NOT have made a mess of that bed. I don’t know who slept there, but it wasn't me.

Things got even more entertaining when I got a load of myself in the mirror. Because I had 437 thingies taped to my head, I was rocking some serious 80’s hair. Had it not been 6 am on a Sunday, I would have gone somewhere with that ‘do so everyone could have appreciated that fine work. Instead I hopped in the shower, then headed out for the breakfast buffet.

I was home by 7:30 am and seriously ready for a nap. Of course Sugar and EN were at the door waiting to see how it went. I crawled into bed amidst cries begging for breakfast and attention. And that my friends, is why I can’t sleep. The people around me require too much maintenance.

My appointment with the sleep doctor should be interesting. I hope she simply suggests an animal print Snuggie to help me sleep better and get over my fear of the messy bed. And the snoring, well that’s just not true. I don’t care who says otherwise.

Ice Princess 

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