Friday, February 17, 2012

Fear Factor

I think every one of us has a fear of something, whether it be thunder storms or spiders. I have several fears that are pretty standard.

I’m scared of snakes, downright terrified. I can’t see them on TV or in a magazine even. EN once had to lead me through Best Buy because every fucking TV in the store was tuned to some God awful jungle documentary. He shook with laughter while I trembled with fear. Another time I called him at work while I sat in the driveway with Spice. I could not leave my car, there was a snake between me and the house. I demanded that he leave work IMMEDIATELY and drive the 30 minutes home to clear the beast. His response was something along the lines of, “Suck it up, Cupcake.” I started my car back up and drove back and forth several times (hoping I ran that bitch over) until the passenger door was right next to the house. I gathered Spice and we escaped into the house. All these years later, I’m still convinced that the 46 foot long mother fucker is living in my car somewhere. It’s just waiting to get me. I know it is.

I’m sometimes scared of the dark or being home alone. I was positive that once we moved into this foreclosure, the people that raped it would come back and shoot my ass off as I sat watching TV in the evening.

There is something that terrifies me even more than snakes or bitter foreclosers… It’s playing Tooth Fairy for my kids. So far, Sugar is the only one that has lost any teeth, Spice still has a mouthful to go.

I start getting anxious when I’m shown a wiggly tooth. I know what’s coming. We suffer through days, if not weeks, of, “Hey, is this tooth ready to come out yet?” For a wimpy kid, Sugar has no fear when it comes to wrenching her canines right out of her mouth. She will tug and pull and twist until the little sucker comes loose and gushes blood. I’m fairly certain that half her baby teeth could have lived another week or two in her mouth.

She lost her latest tooth on Thursday. Given that it came out IN TWO PIECES, I’m willing to bet she may have used a jackhammer to remove it. Somehow she managed to leave her tooth at Skinny Bitch’s, so I was saved from Doing The Deed last night.

She happily collected her tooth today and proudly showed me the splintered little pieces of baby tooth. She apparently brought it to the nurse at school and was given a cute little carrying case for it. I wanted to suggest that she keep it in the case forever and for always, but that kid will stop at nothing to earn a buck. I knew that tonight would be the night.

My hear t is already racing and I’m sweating like I just ran ten miles. And I have quite some time to go as the girls stayed up later than usual.

When the time is right, I will creep up the stairs slowly and quietly. I will feel my heart pounding and will hear my pulse inside my head. My hand will shake as I slowly reach for the Tooth Fairy Pillow so I can take the tooth and replace with a crumpled dollar bill. I will not breathe during this entire process.

I will close my eyes and try to calm myself. All the while I will be picturing the final scene in the Stephen King movie, Carrie… You know the part of which I speak, when the girl goes to Carrie’s grave and BAM that hand comes out of the ground and grabs her.

That’s fully what I expect my kid to do to me. I expect that she’s not really sleeping, she’s lying in wait like a snake in the grass to bust her mother for being a BIG FAT LIAR! She’ll shout, “I knew there was no such thing as a Tooth Fairy!!” And I will pee my pants like I did when that hand shot out of the ground at the end of the movie.

It’s my own fault for lying to my kids… I never should have told them about the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus or the Tooth Fairy. At the very least, think of the money I would have saved myself.

I need to start delegating more of these shit jobs to EN. If you don’t hear from me, assume I’ve scared myself to death.

Ice Princess 


  1. Just a thought...maybe a pouch could hang off of her doorknob or by the breakfast stuff or something. You know, where the Carrie hands are less likely to be scary douchebags.

    1. "Scary douchebag" hands... great morning laugh! Thanks for that! I'll see if she's willing to change things up and leave the tooth elsewhere, I did almost get busted!

      By the way, you had a snake picture on your blog a while back that nearly made me pee my pants. :o)