Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Show Ready: Week Three

I’ve not mentioned the real estate transactions in a few posts because I’m sure everyone was sick of listening to it. So here’s the update: we were supposed to close on the new house on September 20. Then September 23. Now we just don’t know. In fact, we told the bank if they didn’t pony up the money to fix the heat, we were walking. I mean seriously, how unreasonable are we? We have to have heat on for about half a year here. Also, there’s a little rule in the mortgage industry that says something like, “If the house doesn’t have heat, we ain’t lending you jack.”

We gave the bank this message on Friday and we have heard nothing since. Really, not a word. So yesterday I was pissed. I told EN I don’t even want that fancy shell of a stupid house any more. In his usual fashion, he says, “Whatever you want.” Add to this drama the fact that no one seems to want our current house. It’s been listed since September 6, hitting the internet on the 7th… and we’ve had three showings and an Open House. I’m underwhelmed by the excitement these buyers are showing.

As I drove home yesterday I was ready to call it quits and stay living in the house I love, surrounded by assholes. My phone clinked and after carefully pulling over to the side of the road before checking, I saw that someone would like to see the house. Just when I convinced myself to take it off the market.

That means we had to go home and make it all Show Ready again. I couldn’t make the dinner I had my heart set on because it has curry in it and who wants to buy a house that smells like curry? On second thought, that surely would have covered the smell of dog someone mentioned at the open house.  The girls do their homework, I clean up after dinner and we start picking up. The house was in reasonable shape by their bedtime.

We go upstairs to find cat puke everywhere. Seriously, the cat’s food dish is in an uncarpeted room, which is attached to yet another uncarpeted room. Why does she feel the need to walk through both rooms before puking on the hall rug? Is that the high-impact version of binging and purging?

I settle Spice in with a story and a back rub and move on to Sugar’s room. Mind you, little Lola puppy has to travel from room to room with me. Why? I’m not sure, but both Sugar and Spice insist on kissing that dog good night. I settle onto Sugar’s bed while she reads to herself (thank God!) and I rub her back. She shoots straight up in the air after a minute and starts screeching at the dumb dog who has decided to pee on Sugar’s bed… on her dry clean only comforter.

Gross, gross, gross. So many issues here, I’m not sure where to start. Ok, dog peeing in house… really? She hasn’t done that in months and I’m not sure why she did it then. She had gone outside within a half hour so it’s not like we were keeping her from her potty.

But the bigger question, Ice Princess, YOU IGNORANT SLUT*, why does your CHILD have a dry clean only comforter? I have nothing to say for myself. I can only blame that asshole that wears a red suit that comes around once a year. He’s the one that bought Sugar the ‘grown up comforter’ and didn’t bother to read the care instructions first. Even worse, this comforter is marketed to tweens by JC Penney… Really? Dry clean only? Who’s brilliant idea was that?  

Now it’s 8:45 and I need to figure out what to do with the pee comforter. I did what every other good mother would do, I shoved that fucker into the washer, swearing the whole time, and washed it. I used the delicate cycle, that’s the same as dry cleaning, right? It must be because it came out looking fabulous.

What really pissed me off is that I had a load of laundry in the dryer that I was too lazy to fold. Since I had a whole house to clean, I figured I could just leave the clothes in the dryer until after the showing. No now I can’t. So I tumble them for a bit to get the wrinkles out and I cut into my Words for Friends game playing to fold the damn clothes.

Living show ready sucks as bad as I thought it would. 

Ice Princess

PS: If you are too young (Fly Girl) to understand the "You Ignorant Slut" line, Google it. I will NOT change your diapers AND educate you on the finer lines from old school TV. 

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