I’ve said many times in this blog that it’s a good thing God gave me little girls. I am a precious flower and my girls are too. We even have unicorns living in our backyard, y’all!
If we are such a delicate, polite bunch, why do topics like poop, toots and burps come up on a daily basis? Why is it that these topics never get old? And why is it that the creation of these sounds with other body parts-armpits and even knees for the really talented folk-cause the chicks to break into gales of laughter? And why is it that the teensiest mention of something even remotely bathroom related causes the unicorn-riding princesses to shriek with delight?
For some reason, every time we eat at my parents’ house, Spice needs to excuse herself from the table to use the bathroom. She delights in informing us, “Gotta poop!” every time. She’ll return to the table full of pep and usually with a question or two that she dreamt up while she was doing her business. I always ask her, “did you wash your hands?” and she’ll respond, “Nope! Did that this morning! They’re still clean!” and I send her back to wash them. Then she shoves her hands under my nose because she’s used a lot of soap to prove that she washed them.
If we are at home, she’ll use the bathroom closest to where the people are. That way she can whistle, sing, or shout out questions when she thinks them up. At my mom’s house, the bathroom is far away from the dining room (thank God) so Spice is left to her own devices while she goes potty. I didn’t think anything of that until she excused herself from the table TWICE last week. I had the good fortune to use the bathroom after her second trip and was surprised to find toilet paper squares littering the floor. The squares had been meticulously folded into fans. Honestly, I was afraid to ask if she was bored or if she needed to fan herself.
Friday we returned home from dinner to find that we had lost power (again). Sugar raced into the house and needed to go to the bathroom. She too feels the need to keep everyone up –to-date on exactly what she’s accomplished while in the restroom. Spice seemed a little bothered by the fact that there were no lights, “How are you going to see what you did?”
Dear God, really?
So I asked her if she always looked in the toilet and she said, “OF COURSE I DO. I need to see what kind it is!”
Kind? There are different kinds? Before I could engage my brain-which would have told me to not explore this any further-I said, “What do you mean?”
And she said, “Well, you know, there’s poop-poop, and there’s diarrhea poop. Then there’s puffy poops too.” I wised up and didn’t comment at all on the puffy poops.
“And then there’s different colors too. Sometimes it’ll be brown or black. Even green or yellow.”
So I asked Sugar, “Do you look in the toilet too?” She said, “Yeah, but I’m not looking for color or any of that. I just look to see if my poops floating or not.” I couldn’t help it… “What???” and she explained that she learned in science that if you are sick, your poop will float. I have to say, I’m not a fan of 5th grade science. She learned about asexual reproduction, frogs that could change sex and floating poops.
Given that Sugar is now 11, I am hoping that we’re near the end of toilet talk with her. Soon enough, even a glance in her direction will cause her agony and embarrassment. Until then, I still have quiet moments in the car that are interrupted with, “Ohh! That was a stinker!” and we all race to put down the windows and continue our travels with our heads sticking out while we gasp for fresh air.