Thursday, March 29, 2012

Bra Shopping

I procrastinate about shopping for bras until it’s absolutely necessary. Given that I’ve been walking around with boobs sagging to my knees due to snapped underwires since we moved, I figured it was time to bite the bullet.

From 7th grade until I had Sugar, I was a solid 36C. They grew exponentially with each baby and won’t seem to go back to their old size, no matter what I do. In the good old days, I could shop anywhere and buy super cute stuff that fit. I never even had to try them on. Now it’s a whole different ball of wax. I have to shop at one or two local stores only, or try my luck online.

Yesterday I went to the same place I bought the last ones. They had measured me there and what I bought fit well. I figured I would walk in, scoop up another batch and be on my way. I planned on buying EXACTLY the same ones I already had because I knew they fit… and I don’t like change. Stick with what you know. Of course nothing goes as planned.

First, this little out-of-the-way shop was crowded. There’s usually no one there. It sells “special sizes” and offers assistance to women who have recently had mastectomies. The last time I was there, I think there was only one other customer. So I was surprised that there were a bunch of (much older) women in the store when I arrived. .

I finally found a busy looking clerk to help me and described what I was looking for. Wouldn’t you know it, there were ten of my make and model hanging on a rack and they were marked down to cheap money… because they were being discontinued. Of course they’re being discontinued… because that’s the ONLY one I like. None of the discontinued rejects were in my size. The sales lady grabbed another brand in my size and encouraged me to try it on. I put it on and did the shirt test-I put my shirt back on over it to see how the girls looked. Y’all, Madonna’s ice cream cone boobs were hiding under my shirt and they were pointed SIDEWAYS. Who the hell wants to wear something like that?

I left the fitting room in a snit and went back to the display of my discontinued favorites. I decided I would buy a few and MAKE them work. They say women wear the wrong size all the time anyway, what does it matter? Suddenly before me, in this store filled with much older women, stands a woman close to my age. She had just left the dressing room and was holding a few bras. I don’t mind saying I looked at her rack. I totally checked her out. Her girls looked fantastic. They were so perky, it looked like she was holding a platter under them. The bra she was wearing was defying gravity.

We struck up a conversation about my discontinued bras and I asked her what she was buying. She mentioned some brand I had never heard of. So I said, “Is that what you’re wearing right now? I don’t mind saying that your boobs look fantastic.” As she thanked me, what I said must have been processed by the old ladies shopping in the store. Suddenly the whole lot of them started howling with laughter. I’m sure at least one peed her pants. Of course the old ladies had to check out her boobs too.

My new friend pointed me in the right direction and one of the older women helped me find the right size. She whispered, “That’s going to be expensive. Why don’t you try Olga? That’s the brand I wear.” I told her that if my boobs were going to look like that other girls, there is limit to the amount of money I would spend.

My new friend checked out and we wished each other well. I tried on my new favorite bra and bought two… and a sports bra. Thank God they were having a sale and I didn’t have to pay full price for the million dollar boulder holders.

During the conversation with my new friend, we lamented about the unattractiveness of bras that fit. We were sad that the cutie muffin bras at places like Victoria’s Secret don’t come in our sizes. A female coworker was with me and she swore that Victoria’s DID sell bigger sizes. She checked when we returned to the office, and wouldn’t you know it, they just now started selling my size. I was beside myself with excitement. For the first time in years, I could buy cute bras. I looked and looked and fell in love with a bunch. I marveled at how cheap they were. Hint: if I think Victoria’s is cheap, imagine what I had just spent on the Silver Platter Bras.  

I called the nearest Victoria’s Secret and asked about their fabulous new sizes… “I’m sorry ma’am, we only sell those sizes online.” Thankfully, they do sell the next closest size, so I’ll have to go in and try some on soon.

Until then I’ll wear this gravity-defying Silver Platter bra and hope that it stops causing me pain and starts making the girls feel like they’re being cradled all day long. Given the price I paid, it’s not too much to ask for, I don’t think. 

Ice Princess

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